In My Life...I've Loved Them All.

What do I say? What is there to say? How do I feel? Why, God?

It's said that God knows the exact minute that you are going to leave this world...that He has it planned way in advance. He probably actually knows when you're brought into this world when He's going to take you out of it. To hopefully be with Him. Does that make the hole go away that is left in your heart? Does it make it any easier to figure out why two people were taken away at young ages because of random accidents? It does not. I can vouch for this. On Saturday night, while I was in Mass., I got a call that Amy had died. What? How? From jumping off the rocks into a quarry. Really? It's just a feeling of shock. The world is going on around you, and no one knows at that moment what you are thinking as you sit there in a camp chair, being bitten by mosquitoes, seeing everyone laughing and talking and making fire. All you want to do is scream out.

And before you've gotten over that shock, your Mum calls you at work on Tuesday morning, leaving a message that has you worried. You try for 45 minutes to call her. Call her. Call her. Busy. Busy. Busy. The thoughts that are running through your head. Who is it? Who can I call? Why? Then your Mum calls, and you don't believe it when she says 'David'. David Seeley? No. No. No. You fall to the floor in disbelief. Shock. You sob in your preschool classroom, and have no idea what's going on around you. Again. But somehow, it's worse. Why is it worse? How could anything be worse than the tragedy that happened Saturday? How could this be? You don't remember anything for the next few minutes. You know there's people there. You know you're being hugged. But you don't really understand why. Because it's not real. This is not happening. I think continuously as I'm driving home in the rain of my cousins. My dear cousins. Rachel, Rosanne, Sarah, Jonathan, Danimal and Katie. Their dad is gone. My Auntie Janet. She is a widow. My little cousins have no Grandpa. No. It's not true. When they say your heart can't really break. Well, it can. It can break for your Auntie's. It can break for your cousins. It can break for your little cousins. It can break for your Mum. It can break for your Uncle Frank.

Somehow, you get through your days. Because the world does go on without you. Even if you want it to stop. It goes on when my Mum spends 7 hours on the computer, on the phone, trying to get a plane, train, bus, rental car to her sister in Missouri so she can just hug her. It goes on when you are at a Remembering Amy ceremony, looking at old pictures, and indeed remembering Amy. It goes on when all you want to do is be near your cousins, even though you have no idea what to say.

I hurt for them. My Uncle David is not here anymore. But neither is their dad. I feel fortunate that I was able to see him last month. And that I was able to see Aunt Amy on Mother's Day. Does God know that you need to see them one last time before He takes them away? I think He does. I had not seen Aunt Amy for 2 and a half years. To see her on Mother's Day at China Hill. I will treasure that. I had not seen Uncle David since 2008, their last visit with Rosanne, Cole, Owen and Dan. Last month he was here with Auntie Janet, Rachel, Adam, Emma, Anna and Ben and Katie. I treasure this. I treasure the time I was able to spend with them.

I'm not able to be in Missouri. But my heart most certainly is. I may not know what day it is. But it doesn't really matter. I may not understand why God does this. But He does, and I really can't question it. I may feel like this hurt will never stop. But I pray it does. For everyone.