A TootyTa, A TootyTa, A TootyTaTa...

Oh, how 6 years and 3 months really does go so fast. I mean, the weeks sometimes go by so slow, and you wonder if Friday will EVER get here. I mean, can treasure day just get here so I can go home and relax for two whole days???? Or, will treasure day get here so I can go off galavanting with friends and/or family???? And now, I don't WANT Friday to ever get here.

There. I said it. For once in my life, I don't want a Friday. This Friday means saying goodbye. Goodbye to a classroom. Classroom D. Yes, it's exciting. But how do you bottle up these feelings? And I'm talking about the good moments. Which are in these pictures. I'm talking about the moments of TootyTa with CaitieLou. My nearest and dearest. She's since gone and she'll be starting 2nd(?) grade this year. Maybe 3rd, I don't know. All I know is that I've been at CFO long enough to not remember what grade my old kids are going into.

I'm talking about those moments when you have twinnies in your classroom, and you think 'Oh dear Lord, have mercy on my soul'...but then, they turn out to be two of the most wonderful kids on the planet. What about when you come to work and you can make an absolute fool out of yourself and no one notices. And when someone does notice, they only laugh at you (or with you) and expect you to act like this.
What about when you GRIPE about winter, and the snowpants, coats, hats, mittens, scarves, wet and snowy boots...WILL IT EVER END?!?!?! How could it possibly be snowing again??? How did I even MAKE it to work in this wretched snowstorm??? How will I POSSIBLY make it HOME IN THIS!?!??! And then, when you're actually at work, you have a blast sledding with the kids, and laugh at them when they bail out of their sleds, or when they ignore the fire alarm that's going off and you have to trudge to the bottom of the hill in your winter gear and haul them up and out, only for Larry to say 'All set!'...NO WE ARE NOT ALL SET LARRY!!!!!!! Of course, I didn't laugh about this right away. But I can laugh about it now. Thank you Thomas Hilton the 31st.
And when you think winter will indeed never end, there's that first awesome 'spring' day. You know the one. Oh, the snow is melting. The sun is out! I can wear my snowpants but NOT my coat. But let's make sure the kids still wear their hats. It's not THAT warm yet. And then, the mud comes. Hey there, mud. The kids love you. And okay, I'll jump in, too.
What about the friends you make while you're at work? Especially the ones you knew in high school, but you were never close with. Until now. What about when you wear the same shirts? You just feel that much more connected to them. I made some great friends at CFO. Most of them have left me, but I still stay connected, and feel that we'll always be there for each other. The people that you can dance with, laugh with, throw birthday parties with. And going away parties. And baby showers. And any other kind of party just because.

As I think back on my time in Classroom D, I am now focusing only on the good times. Of course, there were bad times. Like when the bead got stuck in the water table and we couldn't empty it anymore except by bailing out the water. Or the time that we had to throw away the Theraputty. Of course, there were sad times when I cried. Like when CaitieLou left for kindergarten. And when Judith left me for kindergarten. Or that time that I was just overwhelmed.

But what about the happy times? The times we laughed so hard we cried. These are the days that I try to focus on as I say goodbye. The time of the mistaken fire drill. The time Judith flashed her skivvies at dancing circle. When Kate got into the tunnel and stood up. My kitchen chats with Kathy. The kids singing pop songs. Christmas parties. Pat's pizza dates. Jessicaaaaaaaaa. Jecissa. Jessa.
And as much as I am absolutely terrified to leave my classroom. Yes, my classroom. I claim it as mine. I was there when it first opened, and I'll be there when it's closed. I feel some relief knowing that I've been there for both ends. Opening it was fun. And it will be at the new school. I'm excited to organize and decorate and have people there that I love working with. I just need to take a deep breath and it will be fine. Hello, Knowlton School. I'm Jessica. I miss Room D, but will you be my friend? There's just one more thing to say. Bottoms out. Tongue out. Eyes shut. A Tooty Ta.

You can't carry it with you if you want to survive.

So I've been reading Eat.Pray.Love. by Elizabeth Gilbert. I admit, I didn't have a particular interest in reading this book until I saw that it was becoming a movie. And that Julia Roberts is in it. 'Cause she's my favorite actress. So, Sara and I decided that we'd read it together. And then Shelly and I were both reading it...in Vegas.

Let me tell you, Gilbert has a great way of hitting the nail on the head, so to speak. She has written these things that make you wonder if she's writing about your life. I had a moment like that today at nap time when I read Chapter 48. Or as Sara and I like to call them 'Bead 48'. If you read it, you'll know why.

Just a quote from Bead 48.

"Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at the dump, baby-you're just lickin' at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you're not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it."

"But I love him."

"So love him."

"But I miss him."

"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone. But here's what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot-a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in-God will rush in-and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go." ~Elizabeth Gilbert

I have a 'David'. He's not much. But he was there for a short shelf life. Apparently I had an expiration date. I feel like I can relate my relationship to this person to that of this canker sore on my bottom lip that I keep biting and putting my tongue on. It hurts when I do it, but I can't help it. So basically, he = a canker sore. And eventually, it'll heal and go away.

I have no pictures to post for this one. But if I did, maybe it'd be of him. Or of a giant canker sore. Or of an open doorway.


**Blog title from Florence And The Machine-Dog Days Are Over**

In My Life...I've Loved Them All.

What do I say? What is there to say? How do I feel? Why, God?

It's said that God knows the exact minute that you are going to leave this world...that He has it planned way in advance. He probably actually knows when you're brought into this world when He's going to take you out of it. To hopefully be with Him. Does that make the hole go away that is left in your heart? Does it make it any easier to figure out why two people were taken away at young ages because of random accidents? It does not. I can vouch for this. On Saturday night, while I was in Mass., I got a call that Amy had died. What? How? From jumping off the rocks into a quarry. Really? It's just a feeling of shock. The world is going on around you, and no one knows at that moment what you are thinking as you sit there in a camp chair, being bitten by mosquitoes, seeing everyone laughing and talking and making fire. All you want to do is scream out.

And before you've gotten over that shock, your Mum calls you at work on Tuesday morning, leaving a message that has you worried. You try for 45 minutes to call her. Call her. Call her. Busy. Busy. Busy. The thoughts that are running through your head. Who is it? Who can I call? Why? Then your Mum calls, and you don't believe it when she says 'David'. David Seeley? No. No. No. You fall to the floor in disbelief. Shock. You sob in your preschool classroom, and have no idea what's going on around you. Again. But somehow, it's worse. Why is it worse? How could anything be worse than the tragedy that happened Saturday? How could this be? You don't remember anything for the next few minutes. You know there's people there. You know you're being hugged. But you don't really understand why. Because it's not real. This is not happening. I think continuously as I'm driving home in the rain of my cousins. My dear cousins. Rachel, Rosanne, Sarah, Jonathan, Danimal and Katie. Their dad is gone. My Auntie Janet. She is a widow. My little cousins have no Grandpa. No. It's not true. When they say your heart can't really break. Well, it can. It can break for your Auntie's. It can break for your cousins. It can break for your little cousins. It can break for your Mum. It can break for your Uncle Frank.

Somehow, you get through your days. Because the world does go on without you. Even if you want it to stop. It goes on when my Mum spends 7 hours on the computer, on the phone, trying to get a plane, train, bus, rental car to her sister in Missouri so she can just hug her. It goes on when you are at a Remembering Amy ceremony, looking at old pictures, and indeed remembering Amy. It goes on when all you want to do is be near your cousins, even though you have no idea what to say.

I hurt for them. My Uncle David is not here anymore. But neither is their dad. I feel fortunate that I was able to see him last month. And that I was able to see Aunt Amy on Mother's Day. Does God know that you need to see them one last time before He takes them away? I think He does. I had not seen Aunt Amy for 2 and a half years. To see her on Mother's Day at China Hill. I will treasure that. I had not seen Uncle David since 2008, their last visit with Rosanne, Cole, Owen and Dan. Last month he was here with Auntie Janet, Rachel, Adam, Emma, Anna and Ben and Katie. I treasure this. I treasure the time I was able to spend with them.

I'm not able to be in Missouri. But my heart most certainly is. I may not know what day it is. But it doesn't really matter. I may not understand why God does this. But He does, and I really can't question it. I may feel like this hurt will never stop. But I pray it does. For everyone.

These dreams go on when I close my eyes.

So this past Thursday at 4PM I began my drive. Destination: Milford, Ma. Mandi and Jeff live there on WhipOWill Lane, with their pup Addison. Addy for short. Being there, on their lane, makes me feel like I'm in another world. It makes me think of concerts. There's generally not a time I go there to just hang out. We are busy and we usually have an event to go to. We love this. I love sleeping underneath the very pretty green, brown and off white twin comforter in 'my' room. Sitting on the love seat reading books while Mandi vacuums around me, just waiting for her to tell me what to do, is peaceful. Even with the noise of the vacuum. I love getting in her car and going into town for lunch at Acopulco's or Maria's, or anywhere else she wants to take me because I'm 'not picky, you know that'. What I love most about Milford, Massachusetts is knowing that when I get into my car to go there, my best friend Mandi will be waiting there for me. It makes my HEART burst with love.
*never run away*

Destination: Heart

Sweet!
Belting out Never. Or atleast I am.